In a Bad Mood? Read This…

October 22, 2007

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts…

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.

“Oh, this is terrible,” exclaims St. Peter. “I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren’t expecting you, your quarters just aren’t ready… We can’t take you in and we can’t send you back…”Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, “Lucifer, this is St. Peter. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They’re ours, but we weren’t expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for them. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It’ll only be a few of days. What d’ya say?”

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

However, two days later… St. Peter got a call.

“Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey, you gotta come get these guys. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning.”

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One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally
behavior that was going on. So He called one of His angels to go to
earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, “Yes, it is bad on
Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not” God thought for a
moment and said, “Maybe I had better send down another angel to get
a second opinion.” So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a
time too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, “Yes,
it’s true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being
good.” God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5 % who were
good, because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something
to help them keep going. Do you know what the e-mail said?

No?

Okay, just checking with you. I didn’t get one either…


Polly is a Prostitute

October 1, 2007

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest asked.

“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'”

“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.”

“Thank you,” said the lady.

The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. The priest’s two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, “Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?”

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and screams, “Frank! Put the Bibles away–our prayers have been answered!”


He’s A Prick Painter or Pricasso for Short

September 29, 2007

I found this short story on Yahoo about a guy named Tim Patch, who calls himself Pricasso because he paints with his prick. No lie, his prick. There are just too many visuals that are running through my head to write coherently, so forgive me. The article said he had painted many famous people including Bush and the Queen of England. I wonder if they sat for their painting or he just painted them when he was horny.

At least we know he is Bi-sexual. Does he take Cialis to get that 4 hour erection? I wonder how long his paintbrush is…
How can anyone keep a straight face and watch him paint?
Does he paint fast and hard or slow and easy? or both? What happens if the paint dries on his prick? Has he ever painted a self-portrait of him painting? Did he enhance his paintbrush, just a little? If he paints a lot is he getting callouses on his paintbrush? How does he paint eyelashes on faces with eyelashes being so fine? Is his paintbrush that tiny? With all the movement required with painting, what does he do when he reaches a climax? Or, is that his signature?

I can’t stop laughing, so I will leave the rest of the remarks in the capable hands of my readers. I’m sure all of you can come up with some goodies.


Its the Results that Count

September 3, 2007

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”

“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”


Taking a Woman to Bed

September 3, 2007

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78?

At 8 — You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 — You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 — You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 — She tells you a story and takes you to bed

At 48 — She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 — You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 — If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!

At 78 — What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???


Chili Today – Hot Tamale

September 3, 2007

Mexico Drops Out Of Olympics

President Felipe Calderón of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the next Summer Olympics.

He said that, “Any countryman who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country.”

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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two Mexican men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”
“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”
“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.
“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”
“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us, too.”
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!”
“Bring them all, as well,” the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high


Presidents in the Land of Oz

September 2, 2007

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado .. and off
they whirled to the land of OZ
.
They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great
Wizard.
.
“What brings the 4 of you before the great Wizard of Oz?”
.
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly and said:
“I’ve come for some courage.”
.
” No Problem! said the Wizard. Who’s next?” .
.
George Herbert Walker Bush stepped forward,
“Well, I think I need a heart.”
.
“Done! says the Wizard.
Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?”
.
Up stepped George Walker Bush and said, “I’m told by the American
people that I need a brain.”
.
“No problem! said the Wizard.
Consider it done.”
.
.
Then there is a great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but he doesn’t say
a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “Well, what do you want?”
.
.
.
.
“IS DOROTHY HERE?”