Where’s Hillary?

July 30, 2007

Who would have thought there would be a Beauty Contest on Capitol Hill? No, they didn’t walk the runway or change from evening gowns to skimpy bikinis, but The Hill newspaper somehow managed to select the top 50 beautiful people in Washington. I read the list and viewed all the photos twice and didn’t see Hillary’s name or photo. Hillary even wore a blouse that showed cleavage according to Tim Russert on Meet the Depressed to show she was womanly, but it didn’t impress The Hill.

Rep. Brad Ellsworth was #1 on the list. Nancy Pelosi was #4. I guess those thousands of dollars for plastic surgery, botox injections and whatever else self indulgent people do, paid off. Poor Hillary couldn’t make the top 50. I guess The Hill isn’t into pear shaped females or expressions that could kill from 50 feet. This is just more evidence that Bill is not particular when it comes to women. He’ll do any women he can. They say the homely ones make better wives because they are so grateful. I think that is cruel and mean-spirited. What do they say about homely men, nothing. Not fair…

It is up on the front page, above the fold, with the relevant political news. Yeah, I would place it as equally important as world peace, and the war on terror, wouldn’t you? Hey, beautiful politicians are hard to come by, so give them their proper respect.

O.K., everyone sing now, “There he is, Mr. America, There he is, My ideal.”


Learn a Foreign Language

July 18, 2007

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


The Grim Reaper in the Skies

July 16, 2007

BALAD AIR BASE, Iraq (AP) – The airplane is the size of a jet fighter, powered by a turboprop engine, able to fly at 300 mph and reach 50,000 feet. It’s outfitted with infrared, laser and radar targeting, and with a ton and a half of guided bombs and missiles.
The Reaper is loaded, but there’s no one on board. Its pilot, as it bombs targets in Iraq, will sit at a video console 7,000 miles away in Nevada.

See the photo on the Drudge Report along with the full story.
No cockpit window looks strange, but she is a real beauty. With more and more of these drones, we will be able to save many lives in combat. The troops will be doing a lot of clean up action. I love it. They didn’t say exactly when they would be put in use, but they plan on using them in Iraq. I bet they are there now. I’d like to see a demonstration. Bet it’s awesome. I love technology and we are the best. Way to go, USA.


This is Weird…

July 15, 2007

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation
were born in 1987.

They are too young to remember the first space shuttle blowing
up on liftoff.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can’t imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don’t know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: ‘Where’s the Beef?’

I’d walk a mile for a Camel or ‘de plane, Boss, de plane’

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

McDonald’s never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don’t have a clue how to use a typewriter.


1967 vs 2007

July 15, 2007

1967: Long hair
2007: Longing for hair

1967: KEG
2007: EKG

1967: Acid rock
2007: Acid reflux

1967: Moving to California because it’s cool
2007: Moving to Arizona because it’s warm

1967: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2007: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1967: Seeds and stems
2007: Roughage

1967: Hoping for a BMW
2007: Hoping for a BM

1967: Going to a new, hip joint
2007: Receiving a new hip joint

1967: Rolling Stones
2007: Kidney Stones

1967: Being called into the principal’s office
2007: Calling the principal’s office

1967: Disco
2007: Costco

1967: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2007: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1967: Passing the drivers’ test
2007: Passing the vision test

1967: Whatever
2007: Depends


Gotta Love Those Cowboy Boots

July 15, 2007

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are in Alberta. Bert always
wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he
buys them, wears them home, walking proudly he walks into the house and
says to his wife ‘Notice anything different about me?’

Margaret looks him over, ‘Nope.’

Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses and walks back
into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks,
a little louder this time ‘Notice anything different NOW?’

Margaret looks up and says, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging
down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again
tomorrow.’

Furious, Bert yells, AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?

‘ Nope,’ she replies. IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW
BOOTS!!!!!’

To which Margaret replies…

Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.’


He Makes Me ‘Sicko’

July 2, 2007

I have not seen the Michael Moore documentary, ‘Sicko’, and I will not go to see it. So, it is really unfair for me to critique something I have not experienced. Instead, I will tell you what I think of Michael Moore. I think Michael Moore is a big, fat, slob. Someone said, “he wasn’t fit to eat with the pigs”, and I replied, “yes he is.”

In all honesty, it seems like a big joke to me. How can someone with three wobbly chins and a girth that requires handmade clothes be commenting on health issues. Its moronic. It sounds like a prank to see how many people will buy into it, sold by Michael, the antithesis of good health. He and his Hollywood buds must be laughing their butts off. I don’t know how he made this film with a straight face.

What next? The big, fat, black woman wearing the yellow feathery costume wins American Idol. The kid with his leg in a cast gives riding a bike lessons. My mother has her own cooking show but she burns everything. Tom Cruise can’t get a date. You got the picture. It’s a smack yourself upside your head moment, if there ever was one.

I hate the fact we share the same initials. Trust me, that is the only thing we share and is not by choice. Other than that, we have never breathed the same air, nor will we.

Michael, lay off the triple cheeseburgers and extra large fries, plus 2 shakes for a snack in between meals. It makes you look like a hot air balloon. Not one of the pretty ones, or cute ones, but one of the scary ones.