Don’t Force Your Man to go Shopping with You

June 30, 2007

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

DON’T TAKE ME IF I DON’T WANT TO GO………..

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her
husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men–he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women–she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, “Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.”

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
loudly humming the ” Mission Impossible” theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
“Madonna look” by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”

And last, but not least …

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”

Regards,
Walmart


TGIF

June 29, 2007

1.When choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of
. boiling water down your throat.Presto! The
. blockage will instantly remove itself.

2.If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
. laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

3 You only need two tools in life – WD-40 and Duct
. Tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the
. WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct
. tape.
.
Daily Thought:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Now have a great weekend!


Thank You

June 29, 2007

While we are all celebrating our great victory today, defeating the amnesty bill, Mark Levin mentioned on his show it would be nice for us to call or email the Senators who voted for America and thank them for their allegiance. I agree, so please call or email.


Power to the People

June 28, 2007

Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers to the American people. You have spoken and forced our Senators to hear you loud and clear.
The cloture vote on the amnesty bill was defeated today.

So many phone calls were made to Washington that it shut down the phone system. Yeah! Just remember that we do have power, especially when we come together as a nation and not allow ourselves to be divided by our party affiliations. Democrats joined Republicans in saying ‘NO’ to amnesty.

It appears we work better together than the politicians. Maybe, the reason is that we are thinking of all of America, unlike the politicians.
I feel proud to be an American today. I think we should remain more involved in our politics and get the things done that make our country better. Our politicians get things done that benefit them, their friends and family members first. If anything helps America, it is a surprise or an accident.

Keep up the good work, America!


For 30 pieces of silver…

June 27, 2007

Everyone who knows me, sit down and brace yourselves. I want our troops to come home immediately. I retract my original statements agreeing with George Bush on going to war. I believed him and trusted him, but I was wrong. So wrong, that I am angry with myself for being snookered by this very strange man. What convinces me that I was wrong is what has happened this past week with Bush coming out so adamantly in favor of amnesty. He is putting political pressure on all Republicans to vote for the amnesty and do you know what he is not stressing to any degree of believability? Border Security.

We have more and more troops losing their lives for us, while our leadership wants to give amnesty to lawbreakers and gang members and anyone else, including terrorists.
So, this war is a farce. Bush is not interested in protecting our borders because he is too wrapped up in this New World Order.

Well, to hell with Bush and all his global buddies. We should encourage people who are stronger on abiding by the Constitution to run for offices across the country and vote them into office and kick out all the Judas Iscariots.


Get the Marshmallows & Hotdogs

June 26, 2007

Camping is a huge recreational activity for many Americans. We are blessed with some of Mother Nature’s most splendid creations, referring to our National Parks. For those living in the city, polluted by noise and filth, our National Parks are like heaven on earth. A place where a family can go to get away from everything.
Hike the trails, experience the feel of true freedom, and marvel at the beauty of the wilderness as far as the eye can see, but wait, what have we here?

The sky is filling with yellow, orange and red colors reaching as high as an elephant’s eye. Now, there is gray and black puffs bellowing upward and being pushed by the gentle breeze as if rocking a baby to sleep.
Sleep doesn’t come. The sound of silence is broken by the screeching sirens of fire trucks.

Oh no! Our beautiful Coronado Forest is alit in flames. Time to get out the hotdogs and marshmallows, this fire is gonna burn all night. Where the hell is Smokey the Bear? He is supposed to be watching out for the fires. It’s those damn coyotes again. I think Smokey should set out some bear traps for those coyotes, let them know what real pain feels like, but, can’t do that, it would be politically incorrect.

By the way, where is the Sierra Club and all the screaming environmentalists when they could actually be useful for once? Nowhere to be found. They are so chickensh*t! They need to be planting more of those sharp edged stakes around the forest to help catch the illegals and their dope-pedaling coyotes. But no, they only want to harm the loggers. The guys who help provide the lumber necessary for so many things in our society: houses for shelter, furniture, so we don’t have to sit on the floors, and floors, so we don’t have to walk on the dirt inside our houses. Let’s see, paper for the checks we write to buy the things we need. Paper for pages in books, so we can read information to help us learn and become more intelligent. I could go forever with this, but I won’t, I think you get my drift, and if you don’t, don’t blame me, blame your school.

In case you don’t know, the Coronado Forest is on the border between Arizona and Mexico. Notice, I put Arizona first because it belongs to us, not Mexico. If we don’t do something about stopping these illegals, it won’t be ours for very long. Back to the message. These illegal aliens, along with their drug pedaling, murderous thuggish coyotes, (I like saying coyotes), are intentionally setting these fires to chase the border patrol agents out of the lookout towers so they can enter our country unimpeded by law enforcement.

After they enter, they abuse our land by scattering debris everywhere. They think the land is their private trash bin. So, let’s see what we are dealing with, people who break our law by entering illegally with illegal firearms, committing arson, a felony, evading law enforcement, littering, doing drugs or planning on selling drugs to our children. Then, once they are inside our country, they turn our flag upside down and parade their flag over ours, refuse to learn to speak English, commit various crimes inside our country, including rape and murder, but they are good at picking lettuce. Wow! I am impressed. That is so awesome, they pick the lettuce that no American will pick. The politicians want us to forget all the other complaints and let them come on in so we can get that damn lettuce picked.

I say vote the bastards out of office who vote to allow these Cretans into our country. Let’s take our country back now. We should call their offices everyday until they leave office once and for all. It is not illegal to call them as often as we like. We pay the damn phone bill, so in essence they are our phones and we will damn well call them anytime we please. I just want to make their political life as miserable as possible, yet stay within the law. We’re legal but we’ll get punished. It’s the illegals, who get rewarded. I want to know what drugs these damn politicians are taking. There is something seriously wrong with their minds. Probably lots of Prozac and Paxil users on the Hill, along with their Viagra. Maybe, that’s the problem, the two drugs don’t mix well together.

And finally, if my pleading isn’t enough to harken you to the call of justice, I just heard a news flash. Smokey the Bear had been missing for a week, but he has been found tied to a tree, wearing a sombrero and a Sears poncho. That’s the last straw…


Something to Offend Everyone!

June 21, 2007

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?

The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it’s worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

10 years and 45 lbs

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes

What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can’t stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What’s the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

“Are you sure it’s mine?”

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?

Because he heard everyone there has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don’t have eyes.

Why do drivers’ education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different Bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?

They named him “Sum Ting Wong”.


What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?

They’re hiring.

What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with… “a recipe”.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time .”
A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit….

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?

No one is tall enough to go on the good rides