I Must Get One of These !!!

STUN GUN (Only a guy would do this!)
>
> Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A
> guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for
> their anniversary submitted this:
>
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn
> Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our
> 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
> something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across
> was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of
> the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no
> long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing
> her adequate time to retreat to safety…..
>
> WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device
> and brought it home.
> I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and
> pushed the button.
> Nothing!
>
> I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
> pushed the button AND pressed it agains
t a metal
> surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arch of
> electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
> AWESOME!!!
>
> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what
> that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay,
> so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
> myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two
> triple-a batteries right?!!
>
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
> intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading
> the directions and thinking that I really needed to
> try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
>
> I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
> fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is
> such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
> thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
> I did want some assurance that it would work as
> advertised. Am I wrong?
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
> with my reading glasses perched delicately on the
> bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser
> in another. The directions said that a one-second
> burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a
> two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
> and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
> burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on
> the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer
> than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
>
> All the while I’m looking at this little device
> measuring about 5″ Long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty
cute
> really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a
> batteries) thinking to myself, “no possible way!”
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but
> I’ll do my best…
> I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her
> head cocked to one side as to say, “don’t do it
> master,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
> tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I
> decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the
> heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh,
> pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS _DESTRUCTION!@$$!%_
>
> I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
> door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed
> us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I
> vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
> position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet,
> both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
> with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
> position, and tingling in my legs The cat was
> standing over me making meowing sounds I had never
> heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to
> herself, “do it again, do it again!”
>
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself
> with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such
> thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You
> will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
> from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the
> floor. A three second burst would be considered
> conservative.
>
> SON-OF-A-… That hurt like hell!!! A minute or so
> later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing
> at that point), collected my wits(what little I had
> left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
> reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
> How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh
> and both nipples were still twitching.
> My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain
> and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I’m still looking
> for my testicles? I’m offering a significant reward
> for their safe return.. Still in shock.
>
> P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly
> threatens me with it!
>
> —

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36 Responses to I Must Get One of These !!!

  1. […] H/T:  The Mouse House No Comments Leave a Commenttrackback addressThere was an error with your comment, please try again. name (required)email (will not be published) (required)url […]

  2. brahnamin says:

    i don’t know if it’s even possible to *laugh up* organs, but i think i am missing my spleen! omfg! that was hillarious!

  3. Wow is that dumb — you’re correct, only a man would even consider this insanity.

    “I’m still looking for my testicles.” — Ah, a slogan for the male Democrats with respect to the Global War On Terror.

    Gracie the cat said, “Don’t do it master.”

    Man is this guy dillusional as well as being dumber than a stump.

    Cats do not look upon us as their masters, we’re their property, a part of their territory to provide for their needs — At times that is what those rubs on our legs are for; they’re marking a part of their territory.

  4. Oh, I forgot, Theo wanted me to leave this for her.

    I have no idea why a feminist would wants this info? Most bizzare!

    http://www.wikihow.com/Learn-Pole-Dancing

  5. T.H.Reasoner says:

    A friend of mine owned one of these stupid things and one night he was carrying it in his front pants pocket and accidentally mugged himself as he was getting out of my truck. He did quite a little dance before his pants released the trigger and even though it happened years ago, it still makes me laugh.

  6. […] this post is just too funny not to […]

  7. CV Rick says:

    Oh my gods. Every stupid thing I’ve ever done has begun with the mental phrase, “how bad could it be?” I’m crying this was so funny.

  8. The 2 Witches says:

    You have me in tears!!!!

    Thank you for a lugh I desperately needed!!

    Mama Kelly

  9. ladyconklin says:

    I’ve had a rough week and I can’t thank you enough for the release of laughter beyond control. I was laughing so hard I was crying, and then crying more. Needed to crab the tissue before I flooded the keyboard, not to mention the fact that I almost wet my pants…Thanks again mad.

  10. cybil says:

    I can’t think when I’ve heard something so funny. I was laughing so hard the tears were just rolling down my face into my lap. Goodness, Isn’t it just like a guy, wanting to see how something works, that little tinkering idea in his head…I had such a visual of this, including the glasses on the mantel…This was just too funny, and thanks for a great blog.

  11. Dude says:

    i got one for fathers day last year….. ha, ha……

  12. Greetings,

    Pole dancing? Eeewwww! So gauche. Not sure where you got the idea that I would do such a thing. >

    That old feminist biddy, Susan B. Anthony, abhorred such exploitation of women. In fact, early feminists were all about chastity and against abortion. It wasn’t until the 1960s that the sexual revolution co-opted the feminist movement and turned a movement for civil rights into one that degrades all of us.

    Let the third-wave group do whatever they please. I plan to spend the rest of my days reversing the effects of the sexual revolution and abortion – because, let’s be honest, those things really only benefit a certain class of man. As for dating – well, just the usual: patiently waiting to find a man who is, to put it delicately, waiting for a woman who waits for marriage.

    In short: better a bitter, single, pro-life, pro-abstinence woman than a pole-dancer. 😉

  13. cybil says:

    Don’t forget to mention you make your own mint juleps…that might really charm the pants off of him…

  14. lewisintex. says:

    Personally Theo I can’t see were your comment fit into this forum. It certainly didn’t make any sense, and it sounded as if maybe you’ve waited to long. Being bitter and full of anger will never get you any man at any price. Honey is always better, and it goes down a lot easier that sarcasm.

  15. Lewis,

    WordPress ate my previous response to Greetings (scroll up), so I repeated it.

    Thank you for the advice. 🙂 I realise that my humour does not always go over well, especially for those who are unaware of its references. (GMS has frequently derided me for not being married, and, regardless of one’s mental state over such a situation, it is a better situation than participation in modern dating rituals – at least if you are a nice, traditional girl.)

    Cybil,

    Pardon?

  16. Adding to that: your comment seems almost sarcastic, and you said that you never mean to be cruel to anyone, under any circumstances whatsoever.

    I’m not sure I understand you. Could you explain, please?

  17. Derided you frequently about being single??????????

    More like gave you a couple shots to squeeze you and see what was inside when it came out — not being married really bothers you that much?

    Not being married is better than being married to the wrong person, however, if you do want to get married some day, you have to play the dating game — Are you sure they didn’t mix up the results of your I.Q. test with someone elses?

  18. If by “giving [me] a couple of shots” you mean telling me, out of nowhere, to pick up men by the prison gates or the shipyards, I guess you are correct, but that’s not the common definition of a few gently teasing words. In my world, I would say that you threw out a few entirely cruel and unwarranted shots for the sake of nothing save cruelty – but perhaps that is what you mean by “see[ing] what is inside when it came out.”

    Hey, my ‘rents are divorced – this chocolate-lover is in NO rush to head down the aisle with the wrong person!

    I’ll try to be as euphemistic as possible, here, though: the modern “dating game” involves a lot of activities that are not appropriate for moral, traditional people. It is very difficult, post-sexual revolution, to find young men who view certain aspects of romantic relationships as being sacred for marriage.

  19. “pick up men by the prison gates or the shipyards”

    Hee Hee! — I don’t care what you say, that’s funny.

    Don’t forget, I told you not to talk as much with the men you’re around.

    So you’re not into that man thing of test driving before buying, eh!

  20. So you’re not into that man thing of test driving before buying, eh!

    Um… no!!!!!

    There’s a difference between a test drive and a free lease. There’s also that whole cow/milk thing…. and the idea that I’m not a car! :p

  21. cybil says:

    Theo, how did I get in on your response to Lewis. I didn’t say anything, and then you connected me to him…and how does any of this have anything to do with the Stun Gun. By the way, the pole dancing comments were a few pages back. So maybe you need to re-direct your comments into the right blog, and I’m sure I’m not the only one that see’s that.

  22. lewisintex. says:

    Oh………Theo, I think I see where your going with the Stun Gun and Pole Dancing. It would have never occured to me before, but with you lack of dating for (so called) reasons and all the mint juleps you drink, I can clearly see how the two items could entertain you…..oh my….you Northern Girls have been holding out on us.

  23. Cybil,

    I had your name, “Cybil,” before my response to you. I accidentally hit the “submit comment” button before I finished.

    Lewis,

    Excuse me? Please don’t ever claim that I am the one with a “potty mouth” or other such nonsense. I do NOT understand how someone can justify making such vile comments about a person he has never met.

  24. ladyconklin says:

    Well from one lady to another, it appears Theo, that you kind of leave yourself wide open for all the shots people take at you. I certainly hope this isn’t your sense of humor, as it can be damaging to one’s image. I can see and understand a lot of things you say, but from what I’ve been able to pick out threw the past few comments, it’s been real doggy eat dog. I don’t think I would ever leave myself as a target like you have. I feel for you girl. Bail while you can, as it looks like it’s only going to get rougher.

  25. cybil says:

    Gosh Theo, was that almost an apology. Well, if it was I accept, unlike yourself. By the way I was just wondering if you knew what (grits) stood for?

  26. GRITS = Girls Raised in the South. Or, a foodstuff.

    Lady,

    Thank you, I guess.

    Incidentally, did you start reading where Greetings said, out of nowhere, that I ought to take up pole dancing and should pick up sailors by the docks to get a boyfriend? I mean, really! He’s one of the most vile people going, and Cybil started in on me out of nowhere. I doubt, if you were really paying attention, that you would take the same attitude. You might try telling them to calm themselves.

    At least where I come from, you don’t make sexually explicit comments about women (although Greetings and Lewis missed that memo), you don’t presume to know more about people’s lives than they do (a la Miss Cybil), and you don’t attack people who never even said anything to you (i.e. Miss Cybil and Lewis).

    So yes, I’ll defend myself, because the personal character attacks have been completely vicious. There are people in the world who enjoy hurting others – who, in the words of GMS, want to give you a squeeze to see what’s inside. Cybil, Lewis, and GMS apparently enjoy heaping scorn upon other humans – two in the name of manners and one in the name of humour. There is nothing to do with these people save to point out their cruelty so that their other targets may understand that their actions are unrelated to the viciousness.

  27. Ok gang, if we’re ever trapped in the Andes after a plane crash returning from a Rugby match, or in a cave in — **whom do we eat first, if necessary?

    Theo, where oh where did she go?

    **Ahahahahahahaha! Mahahahahah!…Dancing, spiking the key board — You didn’t think I knew when to use who or whom…did you Theo?

  28. madmouser says:

    OH, GMS, you are a smartypants 🙂

  29. Not sure what you meant by your penultimate paragraph…..???

    I’m a runner. I wouldn’t be very tender.

  30. Theo, you never heard the song Timothy??????

    “Timothy, where on earth did you go.”

    Trapped in a mine that had caved in
    And everyone knows the only ones left
    Were Joe and me and Tim
    When they broke through to pull us free
    The only ones left to tell the tale
    Were Joe and me

    Timothy, Timothy, where on earth did you go
    Timothy, Timothy, God why don’t I know

    Hungry as hell no food to eat
    And Joe said that he would sell his soul
    For just a piece of meat
    Water enough to drink for two
    And Joe said to me, I’ll have a swig
    And then there’s some for you

    Timothy, Timothy, Joe was looking at you
    Timothy, Timothy, God what did we do

    I must have blacked out just around then
    ‘Cause the very next thing that I could see
    Was the light of the day again
    My stomach was full as it could be
    And nobody ever got around
    To finding Timothy

    You better be greased lightning, if you’re ever in a prolonged cave in with me, and I get hungry! I do not take hunger well.

    You just couldn’t say, “next to the last paragraph,” could you? — and Mr. Smarty Britches did not have to look the word penultimate up.

    “It’s in my office honey, I had to borrow it.”

  31. Never heard the song, no. My high school chemistry teacher once made an analogy involving activation energy and the Donner Party. The next week (coincidentally) was the anniversary of the rescue of the ill-fated caravan. Our class decided to have a party in the honour thereof. Yours truly was a hit with her marshmallow men that were roasted over Bunsen burners.

    (Never claimed to be normal… just entertaining.)

    Eat the young, fatty, out of shape ones. Kobe cows taste so good because they get massaged all the time and lay in hammocks. My texture would be off.

    You just couldn’t say, “next to the last paragraph,” could you? — and Mr. Smarty Britches did not have to look the word penultimate up.

    Moi? (Blinks eyes.)

  32. On the subject of what to eat when out of food, I take it you never read Candide?

  33. Oh, I read Voltaire’s, what, 30 chapter wet dream. Without a doubt the most over rated original leftist on the planet.

    You sparked a memory about Candide that was made very pleasant with some information you gave about yourself. The naked women running and being chased and bitten by monkeys is pleasurable, when I think about you being a runner.

    Roasting marshmallow men at a young age, eh — Did you fabricate some genitlia for emphasis?…I believe the serial killer and prostitute Aileen Wurnos did things of this nature early on.

  34. Eeeeewwww to the men. No, they were androgynous “men,” much like snowmen are just men.

    I read Candide in French. When I got to the part about the monkeys, I thought that I couldn’t understand the language for the life of me. “Monkeys doing what? Dictionary time. No, that doesn’t help much… that can’t be right…..????”

  35. Oh madame 160, me thinks you do not know the meaning of the word “androgynous.”

    An “androgynous snowperson” would leave doubt of it’s gender.
    There is no such thing as an androgynous snow “man.”

    Mick Jagger would be considered androgynous; Pat on SNL is androgynous. The second you confirm the gender of a person, the person is not considered androgynous.

    Where did you take your I.Q. test?

  36. hiutopor says:

    Hi all!

    Very interesting information! Thanks!

    Bye

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