Questions Needing Answers?

March 13, 2007

Can you cry under water?
>
How important does a person have to be before they are
considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
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Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies
wake up like every two hours?
>
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a
hearing?
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Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
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Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going
to see you naked anyway.
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Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?
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Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
>
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
>
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from
morons?

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A Conversation with God!

March 11, 2007

Hello God!

Hey, it’s Sunday and here I am in church, just like you asked. Aren’t you proud of me?
What? I didn’t hear that, could you repeat it please?

Oh, those are flip-flops, they are really comfortable, and I have about 10 pairs in different colors. I love these things. Wear them all the time.

Oh, those are called low-riders. Its what everyone is wearing. It’s a fashion thing. You want me to be cool, don’t you? You don’t want me to stand out like some freak or something? I know my belly is showing, it’s supposed to show. That’s why the top is short and the pants are low. Like I said, it’s a fashion thing. It’s just a belly, no big deal.

Yeah, my little sister is 5 years old. I think it’s cute that she wants to dress like me. I’m like a role model for her. I’m guess I’m a role model for my Mom too because she dresses like me too. I think it’s kinda gross, you know, because she is pretty old and a Mom and stuff.

What about my face? It’s makeup. No my fingernails are not diseased; it’s black fingernail polish. Geez, God, you are not up with the times are you? Don’t you watch TV, go to the movies or read glamour mags or anything like that? You really should, you know, so you could be a modern God and know what’s going on. You could be a really happening God.

You know what’s going on. Excuse me, but it doesn’t sound like it by your questions.

Yeah, I see that family 3 rows over, what about them? How do they look?
They look like the goody-to-shoes family, hehehe. The Dad is wearing a suit and tie and the Mom and the girls are all wearing dresses. How gross is that.

Yeah, they look neat and clean, so what?

Do they look respectful?
I don’t know, ummm, I guess.

Is your house special?
Yeah, it’s special.
Are you special?
Sure, you are God.

So why can’t I dress respectful to come visit you in your house?
I don’t know, I never thought of it like that.
No, it won’t kill me.


Cats and Dogs

March 4, 2007

PET RULES
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door – nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years –canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt.
I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it “fur”niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don’t ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don’t hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don’t smoke or drink
8. Don’t have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don’t want to wear your clothes
10. Don’t need a gazillion dollars for college, and…
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.


What’s Your Dream Car?

March 3, 2007

This is my dream car and I am naming her Cherry Bomb! She only costs $440,000 US, so I may have to wait awhile.
A Carrera GT, ten-cylinder power plant! Street Legal too…St George Red of course. She is really beautiful and very, very fast.