Cats and Dogs

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door – nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years –canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt.
I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it “fur”niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don’t ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don’t hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don’t smoke or drink
8. Don’t have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don’t want to wear your clothes
10. Don’t need a gazillion dollars for college, and…
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.


17 Responses to Cats and Dogs

  1. Great post about your pets. I no longer have pets, and I miss having them. I just have decided I don’t have time right now because I am always at work or on the trail campaigning for party candidates.

  2. the Grit says:

    Hi M,

    A most excellent summary! At least, being in the country, our dogs do serve a purpose. When visitors arrive and see the big “Beware of dog sign” in conjunction to our 70 pound pit bull rushing up to their vehicle, they tend to wait for me to come out to greet them, rather than trying to push their way into our home. The few who haven’t, well, lets change the subject.

    the Grit

  3. marty says:

    Hi M.
    I enjoyed this article. Made me wish I had a pet again. Pets seem to always bring us such joy and ask for nothing in return.

  4. madmouser says:

    Hey Grit:
    That is very funny. Is your dog’s name Cujo?

  5. Great post.

    As being good furniture for five cats, all adopted from shelters, and one large Rotty, also adopted, I can tell you they have the run of the house.

    Hmm…one of the cats is glaring at me now. I guess I have to modify that good to acceptable furniture!

  6. britandgrit says:

    Hi m,

    His name, appropriately, is Wild Man. If there is ever a contest between the two, money on Cujo is wasted. In his short history, he has eaten a can of dog food, the entire can, not just the contents, and, has bitten through the tire of a small truck, the driver of which was foolish enough to ignore the “beware of dog” sign we have posted in our drive. Considering he weighed in at 20 pounds when he came under my wife’s care, he is doing well.

    the Grit

  7. […] Original post by madmouser […]

  8. cumby says:

    “I like my pets a lot better than I like most people”

    You seem to have summed up my main shortcoming here in one sentence.

  9. 12. They stay perpetually young at heart.

    13. No life form is ever more glad to see me than my kids with the excess hair problem.

    14. Their version of a big screen TV is the sliding glass doors.

    You should send this effort to the Reader Digest. They love a well written animal story. It just might get published.

    Hey Charolette! Some furry creatures could use your help more than those snakes in the grass you probably help get elected.

  10. I have had the honor of sharing my life with dogs and cats forever; my ever.

    I have never, not once, beat one of them down the stairs. Even when I know I have, they stopped half way down the stairs, or ran back to the top of the stairs behind my back, and stared down at me as if to say, “you know dude it doesn’t count, I didn’t know we where racing.”

    The butt sniffing thing…Well, no doubt a major contributor to the fact that these fuzz butts rarely see 20 years.

  11. very, very funny. Especially the bed part

  12. Tamer says:

    I like this blog because it tells you all about different poems and reasons why the pets are fun and why you should get one, thats if your a pet person you will like some of the comments. If you don’t have a pet this will probably help you get one.

  13. Well, greetingsmyson to you too! 🙂

    I guess I don’t see the takeover by the Dems as electing snakes in the grass. Both parties have bad apples, but I have to tell you, last year I was honored to work with one of the kindest, most honest, and most caring candidates I have ever met – Dr. Tom Hayhurst. He ran on the Democratic ticket for the 3rd district congressional seat.

    We lost, but boy did I enjoy the campaigning.

    Actually the little furry creatures I have helped in the past have been called ferrets. Loved them, and I keep thinking about getting another one. I just feel like I don’t have enough time to go around. I also had a hybrid wolf for a few years until I went to law school. She was the best pet!

  14. Inez Wells says:

    Thank for making this valuable information available to the public.

  15. banksy91 says:

    I miss my old pets but my current nomadic nature(no more than 6 months in any one spot) makes the idea not feasible, just wouldnt be fair to them.

  16. Oh my God what a rarity!

    Charlotte is a female, a lawyer and a Democrat — aren’t most of them.

    And Christ said,

    “Woe to you also, lawyers! For you load men with burdens hard to bear, and you yourselves do not touch the burdens with one of your fingers” — Luke 11: 46

    I’ll spare you what else the Son of God had to say about your lot.

    This great nation needs fewer female Democrats and fewer lawyers, by God Almighty.

  17. cleaning cat urine

    The best way to remove cat urine odors and stains…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: