A Presidential Letter

The Internet is so fabulous. This is off the Internet. It is a wishful letter from our President and it starts like this.

My Fellow Americans:
The war is over. Congress refuses to spend any more money for the war in Iraq. This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be completed within the next 30 days.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of the countries which stood beside us during the Iraq conflict, and this list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, Poland and a few others.

The other list contains everyone not named on the first list. It is a very long list. Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those on List 2 ceases immediately. The money saved during the first year will almost pay for the cost of the war in Iraq.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world hellholes and watch their government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have here at home.

To the terrorists I say, mess with us again and your country will disappear off the face of the earth. If you want to terrorize someone, try China or France. I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany and Russia. We are also retiring from NATO. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York to begin towing all UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with an unpaid parking ticket to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed and you know where you can stick your treaty. New York has some of the finest chop shops in the world. I Love New York.

A special note to our neighbor to the North, Canada. You are on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

To our neighbor to the South, Mexico. You have a real bad attitude, but I have the ultimate attitude adjuster. Since we are no longer fighting the war in Iraq, I have a lot of big, bad ass tanks just sitting around, so I plan on setting them at the border, along with a few infantry divisions. Oh, and by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty, starting now. We are tired on the one-way highway.

We are going to start drilling for oil in Alaska to meet our needs for decades and decades to come. Any of you environmentalist who are opposed, can choose a country from List 2 and move there.

It is time we focus on our country and take care of our people. We have spent nearly a century of trying to help others around the world live a decent life and what did it get us? Being proclaimed the bully of the world. Well, that has ended.

One last thing, for those on List #1, we thank you and we will not forget.

To the nations on List #2, you might want to learn to speak Arabic

God Bless America and Good Night!


17 Responses to A Presidential Letter

  1. Great post.

    The “funny” letter does make some good points. Primarily: There are consequences for every action.

    NATO doesn’t need to be eliminated, but does need to be “re-negotiated”. Europe should take a greater responsibility for its own defense, epecially as it expands into Eastern Europe most of which was once part of the Soviet Bloc – the primary antagonist of NATO since WWII.

    Mexico does need to step up and decide whether they want to be in the shadow of the US or a soverign nation that takes responsibility for its own people. Currently their largest export is illegal labour to the US. And one of their larger imports is cash from the US, most of it being under the $10,000 regulartory customs limitation. [Most of it is money going back to Mexico to support family members. I’m sure the criminal profits get back to Mexico by other means and probably isn’t really accounted for.]

    America should use benchmarks to determine initial and continued financial aid. Aid should not be wasted, it should always be applied to achieve noble purposes. For example, if we supply aid to help solve hunger, hunger should go down from month to month. If it doesn’t we’re wasting money. If it stays the same, all we’re doing is supporting hunger as a way of life. Give someone else a chance to solve hunger.

    The UN should be relocated to a country on List No. 2. I vote for France.

  2. kayinmaine says:

    Republicans are such control freaks. They could never make global friends even if they were shown how to. The letter in the post is proof of that. One thing the author is missing is if America is the most powerful country on the planet, but yet can’t control ONE CITY IN IRAQ, how the hell is it possible to get the rest of the world to respect us and not laugh and point?

  3. madmouser says:

    What do Republicans want to control that Democrats do not want to control?I believe Republicans have many influential global friends, if you mean corrupt world leaders, I grant you that Democrats know more of them as friends. I guess the Republicans are more selective. Kayinmaine, you ask if America is the most powerful country on the planet. There is no ‘if’, there is only ‘is’. I know the word ‘is’ is difficult for Democrats, as expressed by your favorite man about town, Bill Clinton. I do not care what the hell the rest of the world says, and I don’t worry about their finger pointing and laughter because I know what to expect from 2nd rate countries who are green with envy. But to better inform you about ONE CITY IN IRAQ; it is only for the fact we are trying not to cause harm to the everyday citizens and fight a more politically correct war that the war still exists. If we had just gone in with all our fury, the war would have been over in a matter of a week, with a little more time for clean up. You see, we clean up after ourselves, thats how nice we are.

  4. britandgrit says:

    Hi Mad

    Great letter. One point of course, is that Spain actually pulled out of the war, so they might need to be changed to list 2.

    the Brit

  5. Great letter, and a good bit of acute mental discernment used to debunk kayinmaine’s hissy fit.

    One of the largest problems this great nation has with the telling of the very well deserved folks on the “caca number two list” to go to Hades in a hand basket, is that our deficit, lately, has been financed by foreigners to the tune of 95%.

    What makes matters even worse, foreigners are buying more and more of our corporate debt instruments.

    The following words never meant more, based on how, in a way, foreigner investment owns us:

    “Never a borrower or lender be.”

    Just something to think about.

  6. Brilliant letter, madmouser: you should run for the Presidency. Between you and me (and the rest of the world) I would dearly love to see France cope with the added pressure. But then the Luxembourg government and most of the people here hero-worship them. Go figure!

  7. britandgrit says:

    Hi m,

    I still think that, as long as we have all those troops in the neighborhood, we should pay France a little visit on the way home 😉

    As to Europe defending itself, that, considering their track record (WWI, WWII) may not be such a good idea.

    the Grit

  8. America has paid for the defense of Europe for nearly 60 years, allowing politicians to pander for and garner votes while plunking cash down in payment used for socialized living off the fat of fellow citizens.

    A minor point, but freeing European powers to fend for themselves regarding defense may add much needed self respect and a few more years before Islamification.

    Then again, maybe not.

  9. Gorilla Guys says:


    If you’re married your husband better watch out because there’s one or two Gorilla Guys who want your phone #.

    Great work girlfriend.

  10. crain says:


    At one point in your response to kayinmaine, you actually call the nations on your list #2 “2nd rate countries.” Really? Does than mean there are also 2nd rate citizens and 2nd rate human beings?

    The narssicism and disdain for cultural differences expressed here is of the same breed as that whcih stems from the current White House, leading us into ideological wars that will never be won.

  11. Crain,


    Knee jerk compulsive defense of all the worlds people wears thin. All cultures are not equal. All religions are not equal. All people are not the same. You insult humanity lumping all nations and civilizations into your puny assumptions. Besides, if reveals a lazy intellect.

    Parroting simple minded politically correct lunacy doesn’t give this ridiculous fantasy credibility.

    How many more simplistic world views do you hold?

    And I don’t see 2nd class anything mentioned. Swapping assistance with those whom work to aid the US should be a legal requirment.

  12. madmouser says:

    Oh, Gorilla Guys, you are the greatest! Thanks for the grand compliment. I am not married now, but I was married to a great Marine. He was killed 2 years ago, Sept.

  13. madmouser says:

    icanplainlysee’s answer is outstanding. You should heed his wisdom.

  14. PIBoulder says:

    All I could think of as I read most of the letter was, “Great way to put us into an economic depression.” I don’t like some countries who have their heads up their asses, but I don’t hate the world that much.

    And by the way, it seems to me that we really could draw down our military footprint in Europe. Yes, Russia may devolve into a dangerous country again, so we still need to be there for the defense of Europe (who has no military to speak of–I exclude the UK here), but really, what’s the point of having a large U.S. presence there? It’s useful that we can have our military hospitals in Germany to treat the wounded coming back, but they don’t need the level of military we have over there now.

  15. crain says:

    A lazy intellect relies on insults to beef up thin arguments.

  16. Gorilla Guys says:


    “A lazy intellect relies on insults to beef up thin arguments.”

    That may be true in some cases, but sometimes the use of insults are justified when the insulter is morally and intellectually superior than the insultee.

    For instance, like when we call you a Douchebag.

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