The Internet is so fabulous. This is off the Internet. It is a wishful letter from our President and it starts like this.
My Fellow Americans:
The war is over. Congress refuses to spend any more money for the war in Iraq. This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be completed within the next 30 days.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of the countries which stood beside us during the Iraq conflict, and this list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, Poland and a few others.
The other list contains everyone not named on the first list. It is a very long list. Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those on List 2 ceases immediately. The money saved during the first year will almost pay for the cost of the war in Iraq.
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world hellholes and watch their government leaders grow fat on corruption.
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have here at home.
To the terrorists I say, mess with us again and your country will disappear off the face of the earth. If you want to terrorize someone, try China or France. I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany and Russia. We are also retiring from NATO. Bon chance, mes amis.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York to begin towing all UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with an unpaid parking ticket to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed and you know where you can stick your treaty. New York has some of the finest chop shops in the world. I Love New York.
A special note to our neighbor to the North, Canada. You are on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.
To our neighbor to the South, Mexico. You have a real bad attitude, but I have the ultimate attitude adjuster. Since we are no longer fighting the war in Iraq, I have a lot of big, bad ass tanks just sitting around, so I plan on setting them at the border, along with a few infantry divisions. Oh, and by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty, starting now. We are tired on the one-way highway.
We are going to start drilling for oil in Alaska to meet our needs for decades and decades to come. Any of you environmentalist who are opposed, can choose a country from List 2 and move there.
It is time we focus on our country and take care of our people. We have spent nearly a century of trying to help others around the world live a decent life and what did it get us? Being proclaimed the bully of the world. Well, that has ended.
One last thing, for those on List #1, we thank you and we will not forget.
To the nations on List #2, you might want to learn to speak Arabic
God Bless America and Good Night!