Its the Results that Count

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”

“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”

Taking a Woman to Bed

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78?

At 8 — You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 — You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 — You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 — She tells you a story and takes you to bed

At 48 — She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 — You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 — If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!

At 78 — What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

Chili Today – Hot Tamale

Mexico Drops Out Of Olympics

President Felipe Calderón of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the next Summer Olympics.

He said that, “Any countryman who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country.”

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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two Mexican men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”
“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”
“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.
“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”
“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us, too.”
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!”
“Bring them all, as well,” the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high

Oh No, Mrs. Bill!

Bill’s fans said it was a private affair and none of our business regarding his sex life. I hold a different opinion. He was tarnishing the name of our house, The White House, not his house. If he was still a hillbilly back in Arkansas, I don’t give a rat’s ass what he does in his house or how many women he had sex with, unless it was by force. We paid his rent in the White House, so I think he owed us the decency to treat it with respect. We should have sent him the bill for the fumigation after he left.

He is so proud of his sexual prowess that he cannot help but smirk when it is mentioned. When he can compete with Wilt Chamberlain, then he can smirk, but not a minute before. Even if it only took 20 minutes to have sex and that is counting the time to undress, perhaps, say hello and 3 minutes for the actual act. He was still doing it on the clock, our clock. Any man so weak as not to control his sexual lusting while President is too weak a person to be President.

We need someone with courage, strength, American values to represent us. Not some bulbous nosed pervert. And now onto his wife, (in name only, for political purposes).

She espouses she is for women’s rights. Spare me, Mrs. Bill. You are running on Bill’s coattails. Without Bill, you are just another Women’s Libber, scorned and mocked by real women and the only comment about you to make the news is about your shrill voice and your huge thighs.

But you are running for President and I have a question for you. How could you not know what was going on with Bill and all his female companions? Everybody else at the White House knew. The Secret Service, the cooks, the maids, the porters, the staff, the dog walker, everyone knew except you. How can that be? How dumb or dim are you? This alone lets me know that you are not smart enough to be President. Alert and aware are not two words used in the same sentence with your name. You allowed yourself to be humiliated over the Monica Lewinsky affair. I don’t want a President so easily and readily humiliated. The message you sent to other women is, no matter what, stay with your man, even though he humiliates you in public. In my humble opinion, that is just sick!

Now you talk tough while campaigning, but it is a phony facade. We have seen you in action and it was no action at all. You are not equipped to be President, you do not have the Right Stuff. Please do this country a favor and take your horny husband and go back to Arkansas. Buy a sheep ranch, so Bill can stay busy.

No Holes in this Swiss Cheese

By FRANK JORDANS, Associated Press Writer

GENEVA – The campaign poster was blatant in its xenophobic symbolism: Three white sheep kicking out a black sheep over a caption that read “for more security.” The message was not from a fringe force in Switzerland’s political scene but from its largest party.

Under the plan, entire families would be expelled if their children are convicted of a violent crime, drug offenses or benefits fraud.
“We believe that parents are responsible for bringing up their children. If they can’t do it properly, they will have to bear the consequences,” Ueli Maurer, president of the People’s Party, told The Associated Press. The party claims foreigners — who make up about 20 percent of the population — are four times more likely to commit crimes than Swiss nationals. So far, however, there has been little popular backlash against the posters.
“We haven’t had any complaints,” said Maurer.

Presidents in the Land of Oz

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado .. and off
they whirled to the land of OZ
.
They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great
Wizard.
.
“What brings the 4 of you before the great Wizard of Oz?”
.
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly and said:
“I’ve come for some courage.”
.
” No Problem! said the Wizard. Who’s next?” .
.
George Herbert Walker Bush stepped forward,
“Well, I think I need a heart.”
.
“Done! says the Wizard.
Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?”
.
Up stepped George Walker Bush and said, “I’m told by the American
people that I need a brain.”
.
“No problem! said the Wizard.
Consider it done.”
.
.
Then there is a great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but he doesn’t say
a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “Well, what do you want?”
.
.
.
.
“IS DOROTHY HERE?”

Quote of the Century …

Quote of the Century …and it’s only a single sentence.
“The American Indians found out what happens when you don’t control immigration.”

We should learn this lesson and send illegals back to their countries before they overrun us.

It’s Sunday Again

Church Bloopers…

1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

2. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

3. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

4, Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

5. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”

6. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.

8. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

9. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

10. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.

11. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies
giving milk will please come early.

12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

14. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

15. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

16. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

17. The Lutheran Men’s group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed
potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

18. The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”

19. Our next song is “Angles We Have Heard Get High.”

20. Don’t let worry kill you, let the church help.

21. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

22. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

23. The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the
ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

24. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

25. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

A woman was in her Church speaking to the congregation about something very close to her heart and became quite emotional during her speech. At the end, after some crying, she apologized saying,”I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get so emotional. I’m not usually such a big boob.” At which point the bishop stood up and said, “That’s OK, we love big boobs.”

Where’s Hillary?

Who would have thought there would be a Beauty Contest on Capitol Hill? No, they didn’t walk the runway or change from evening gowns to skimpy bikinis, but The Hill newspaper somehow managed to select the top 50 beautiful people in Washington. I read the list and viewed all the photos twice and didn’t see Hillary’s name or photo. Hillary even wore a blouse that showed cleavage according to Tim Russert on Meet the Depressed to show she was womanly, but it didn’t impress The Hill.

Rep. Brad Ellsworth was #1 on the list. Nancy Pelosi was #4. I guess those thousands of dollars for plastic surgery, botox injections and whatever else self indulgent people do, paid off. Poor Hillary couldn’t make the top 50. I guess The Hill isn’t into pear shaped females or expressions that could kill from 50 feet. This is just more evidence that Bill is not particular when it comes to women. He’ll do any women he can. They say the homely ones make better wives because they are so grateful. I think that is cruel and mean-spirited. What do they say about homely men, nothing. Not fair…

It is up on the front page, above the fold, with the relevant political news. Yeah, I would place it as equally important as world peace, and the war on terror, wouldn’t you? Hey, beautiful politicians are hard to come by, so give them their proper respect.

O.K., everyone sing now, “There he is, Mr. America, There he is, My ideal.”

Learn a Foreign Language

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.