Time for Some Levity

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors, green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter, old man, never done anything wild in your life?”
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, “Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.
I was just wondering if you were my son.”

Heartless John Edwards

I am very saddened by the news of the reoccurring cancer in Elizabeth Edwards. The fact that it is fatal, no cure, has to be the worst news a family can hear, especially, a husband.
I must say that Elizabeth is a very strong woman, a courageous fighter and a true mate to her husband.

She wants him to continue his dream to the White House as planned before they received this dreaded news. She does not want to be the reason that kept her husband from achieving his goals. This is a very brave and unselfish act on her part. I would call that true love.

Now, John, on the other hand, I’m sure is devastated by this news as well, but, yet, his dream of becoming President is still at the top of his list of priorities. Knowing his time will be shortened with his wife, he elects to travel away from her, campaigning for the Presidency. I would hope my husband would elect to spend every minute possible with me, making lasting memories that will have to last a lifetime. His being here for me, and making sure I know how much I am loved. Of course, I would insist on him continuing his dream for the White House, but secretly, I would hope that I came first in his life.

I cannot vote for a man who puts his dreams ahead of his wife at such a crucial time in her life. John Edwards have you no heart or no shame?

Drug Test Congress

Nancy Pelosi can take credit for two new firsts:

1. Led the House for the first time in American history to stop funding the military during wartime.

2. Subpoena White House Aides too testify under oath as to the firing of federal prosecutors.

Hey, San Fran Nan: I’ve got a good one for you. How about random drug testing for the Congress.

These people are voting on issues that impact all Americans, they should all be of a sound mind and not on drugs while doing this important work. We, the little people have to be drug-tested as part of our application for jobs throughout the country, so why not the Congress? I’m guessing we lose about 40 people after the drug tests, because the penalty is giving up their seat and banned from seeking office for 5 years.

A Pun on Monks

After my post, A Conversation with God, I thought I should follow up with something not so serious.

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she’s just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she’s ever had.

After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs.

She is met by two brothers, “Hello, I’m Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles.”

“I’m very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I’ve ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?”

Brother Charles replied, “Well, I’m the fish friar.”

She turns the other brother and says, “Then you must be…?”

“Yes, I’m the chip monk.”

Mars and Earth: Both Getting Warmer

OK, Peeps…Listen up… The scientists say that the temperature is getting hotter on Mars, just like here on Earth. They say that the ice caps are melting on Mars, just like on Earth. Since these two events are happening at the same time, I don’t think I am taking a big leap in saying it is highly…

Words of Wisdom

Virginity is like a bubble, 1 prick and its all gone.

A foolish man gives his wife a grand piano; A smart man gives his wife an upright organ.

Baseball is wrong: Man cannot walk with 4 balls!

Panties are not the best thing on earth, but close to the best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, but who is left!

I know you all feel a lot smarter now, only glad to help in some small way

The Man of the Hour

Turn on your radio or TV and what will you hear and see?
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed !
He has now laid claim to master mining the 9/11 attack all by himself. In fact, he personally beheaded Daniel Pearl, committed 31 other terrorists attacks, including the 1993 World Trade Center bombing, and last but not least, he is also claiming to be Anna Nicole’s baby’s father. What a guy…I wonder how we can repay him for all he has done.

Questions Needing Answers?

Can you cry under water?
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How important does a person have to be before they are
considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
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Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies
wake up like every two hours?
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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a
hearing?
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Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
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Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going
to see you naked anyway.
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Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?
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Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
>
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from
morons?

A Conversation with God!

Hello God!

Hey, it’s Sunday and here I am in church, just like you asked. Aren’t you proud of me?
What? I didn’t hear that, could you repeat it please?

Oh, those are flip-flops, they are really comfortable, and I have about 10 pairs in different colors. I love these things. Wear them all the time.

Oh, those are called low-riders. Its what everyone is wearing. It’s a fashion thing. You want me to be cool, don’t you? You don’t want me to stand out like some freak or something? I know my belly is showing, it’s supposed to show. That’s why the top is short and the pants are low. Like I said, it’s a fashion thing. It’s just a belly, no big deal.

Yeah, my little sister is 5 years old. I think it’s cute that she wants to dress like me. I’m like a role model for her. I’m guess I’m a role model for my Mom too because she dresses like me too. I think it’s kinda gross, you know, because she is pretty old and a Mom and stuff.

What about my face? It’s makeup. No my fingernails are not diseased; it’s black fingernail polish. Geez, God, you are not up with the times are you? Don’t you watch TV, go to the movies or read glamour mags or anything like that? You really should, you know, so you could be a modern God and know what’s going on. You could be a really happening God.

You know what’s going on. Excuse me, but it doesn’t sound like it by your questions.

Yeah, I see that family 3 rows over, what about them? How do they look?
They look like the goody-to-shoes family, hehehe. The Dad is wearing a suit and tie and the Mom and the girls are all wearing dresses. How gross is that.

Yeah, they look neat and clean, so what?

Do they look respectful?
I don’t know, ummm, I guess.

Is your house special?
Yeah, it’s special.
Are you special?
Sure, you are God.

So why can’t I dress respectful to come visit you in your house?
I don’t know, I never thought of it like that.
No, it won’t kill me.

Cats and Dogs

PET RULES
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door – nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years –canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt.
I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it “fur”niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don’t ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don’t hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don’t smoke or drink
8. Don’t have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don’t want to wear your clothes
10. Don’t need a gazillion dollars for college, and…
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.